Hotel California

Characters:
Derrick: quiet young man in his early 20’s
Lydia: wealthy young woman, flirtatious and mysterious
The Nightman

Setting: A dark highway in the deserts of southern California. It is late into the night, and the road stretches, seemingly infinite, into the distance.

Scene 1:
The guitar solo of the Eagles’ song Hotel California is playing as the lights come up: dark except for a single soft-edged grey spotlight illuminating a lone car . Derrick drives alone in an old Camero convertible that has seen better days. The top is down, tousling his already untidy brown hair.  No car has passed him for some hours.

(Derrick fiddles with a dial on the radio and the music stops.)

Derrick: (talking to himself) This has gotta be the longest road in America. And the most boring-(sarcastically) nothing, far as the eye can see!

He sighs and slumps back in his seat. Slowly, a golden glow becomes visible over the edge of the horizon. Derrick leans forward, squinting. He glances at the neon green numbers illuminated on his dashboard- 3:00 AM.

Derrick: (muttering) Way too early for the sun…

The glow gets steadily brighter. All of a sudden, almost inexplicably, Derrick feels the culmination of a long night’s driving weighing heavy on him. He yawns and his head begins to nod- he can barely keep his eyes open. The light ahead is doing funny things with his vision- it blurs and shapes itself into strange forms. Slowly, a building forms itself out of the glow. It is a big old-style hotel, with turrets and lacework, complete with a courtyard and a bubbling fountain. Its gardens appeared completely unaffected by the desert, like an oasis in the sand. Maybe it was the exhaustion talking, but it seemed to Derrick the prettiest, most welcoming place he’d ever seen. A sign hung out front: VACANCIES.
(Barely able to keep his head up, Derrick stops the car and stumbles out. He halts just before the entrance, looking up at the sign.)

Derrick: (reading aloud) Hotel California.

On the very edge of the front terrace there stands a young woman looking wistfully out across the desert. Her dark hair curls just so about her shoulders. She is dressed for bed in a slinky black negligee just barely covered by a thin satin robe. Despite his fatigue, Derrick cannot help but be struck by her beauty. Her eyes light up at the sight of him, and she eagerly beckons him across the yard to her.

Derrick: (suddenly feeling very awkward) Uh…hi. I was looking…

Lydia:(interrupting) …to stay? (placing a strange emphasis on the word “stay”)

Derrick: Well. Yeah. For a night…

For a moment Lydia hesitates, as though she is going to say something. Then it is gone, and she smiles.

Lydia: Well what are you just standing there for?

They step together across the threshold. There is a man in uniform at a marble counter. Mail boxes rise high behind his head, and a small tray of mints sit on the marble top with a little gold sign saying “help yourself”.

Derrick: Hi, I’d like to stay the night?

The Nightman smiles. His teeth are very white.

Nightman: Certainly, sir. We’re always open. Would that be cash, check or credit?

Derrick: (rummaging through his wallet) Uh… it’ll have to be credit.

He slides the card across the counter, and while the Nightman is scanning it, Derrick glances at Lydia. She winks cheerily at him. The Nightman hands Derrick his card back, and a key.

Nightman: There you are, sir. You’ll be in Room 23, on the second floor.

Lydia: My room’s right by there. I could show you the way.

Derrick: (shyly) Oh…thanks.

They turn to exit stage right.

Nightman: Have a nice stay!

Blackout.

Scene 2: A dim yellow light fades back on, and Lydia and Derrick are standing in front of a door with gold lettering: 23.

Lydia: Here we are.  

Derrick: Hey, thanks. So… I mean, I’m Derrick.

(He instantly felt stupid, but she smiled at him. There was something about her smile that made it difficult not to smile back.)

Lydia: And I’m Lydia.

(Whispered voices offstage)Welcome…welcome to the Hotel California.

Derrick: (startled) Did you say something?

Voices: (overlapping) Such a lovely place…plenty of room…any time of year…

Lydia: (laughs) I said my name was Lydia. You hard of hearing?

Voices: Such a lovely face…

Derrick: I’m telling you, I hear whispering!

(Lydia cocks her head to listen. There is only silence.)

Lydia: There are other people staying here too, you know. You probably heard someone in another room.

Derrick: (uncertain) Yeah…

Lydia: (concerned) Hey, you look really tired. Why don’t you head to bed?

Derrick: Actually, yeah. I’m exhausted.

(He yawns and Lydia smiles and turns to go.)

Derrick: Hey Lydia?

(Lydia stops but doesn’t turn around)

Derrick: You on vacation here or something?

(Soft laughter is heard offstage. Lydia looks angry and glares down the hall.)Lydia: Yes. (She stalks off, exiting stage left)

Derrick: Woah. What did I say?

Blackout. Voices offstage: What a nice surprise…

Scene 3: Offstage Derrick shouts in shock.

Derrick: Jeez…I slept the whole day???

(A door slams, loud, quick footsteps are heard. Derrick is muttering, frustrated with himself.)

Derrick: Where is everybody?

Lights fade on. Derrick is stage right, staring in amazement. There is a ball before him. Figures dance in pairs, occasionally switching partners. Every person is dressed from a different era of time: Women with feathered hats and long dresses, 70s hippies with hair in their eyes and bell-bottom pants. A cowboy dances with a 20s flapper girl. A magnificent chandelier hangs above it all.  Derrick sits down slowly at a small table at the edge of the dance floor. A spotlight follows Lydia as she moves from partner to partner. She’s dressed in a red cocktail dress, with a lot a tasteful and expensive jewelry. Derrick can’t keep his eyes off her.  After a time Lydia detaches herself from the dance, laughing and talking with a group of handsome young men. She spots Derrick and comes over.

Derrick: Lydia, what’s going on?

Lydia:(laughs) It’s a dance, silly. Come on… dance with me!

(Lydia grabs Derrick’s hand and pulls him onto the dance floor. They begin to dance, swirling and weaving through the other partners. The lights start to spin and change colors.)

Lydia: You’re a nice guy, Derrick. It’s a shame, but… I’m still glad you came.

Derrick: A shame?

Lydia: (almost to herself) A shame. If it wasn’t for this damned place…

Derrick: (starting to feel dizzy and panicked) Lydia? If we don’t stop soon, I’m going to die of thirst.

(By now they’ve drifted back over to the tables)

Lydia: Die? (she laughs bitterly) Die? I’ll show you “dying” here.

(she picks up a knife off one of the tables)

Derrick: Lydia…!

(he makes a grab for the knife, but before he can reach it Lydia rolls her eyes and plunges the knife into her stomach. Derrick gasps and pulls her hand away, but the knife comes out clean. No blood stains the wound. She smiles sadly at him. Derrick backs up, shaking his head.)

Lydia: Derrick…

(Derrick runs off stage right.)

Scene 4: In the entrance room. Derrick dashes to the doors only to find them locked.

Nightman: Can I help you, sir?

Derrick: (near hysterics) Yeah, you damn well better help me! I’m checking out, unlock the doors! (he slams the key down on the desk top. The Nightman’s smile never wavers.)

Nightman: Relax, sir. We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

Lights fade to blackout. Voices: Welcome to the Hotel California… such a lovely place…such a lovely face. There’s plenty of room at the Hotel California…any time of year…you can find us here…

Fin